I envy the believer and the atheist their certainties.
Envy, as Nietzsche saw it. That green mirror where
we stare at what we hope to become. Yet, I remain
the son who cannot discount his mother’s prayers.
Perhaps it began there. In Nietzsche and like readings
that unravelled faith’s woven threads until I lay bare
in Godless cold – sickle-edged questions lacerating
my mind. I longed for prodigal privileges. To have
my foolish heart – home of first doubts – silenced.
Resisting my longing, I unread your word. Learned
to be good without you. Faithfully forgot psalms
by heart. Eschewed the believer’s instincts in my
vocabulary. Amen. By [ ]’s grace. [ ] bless you. [ ]
forbid. You seemed everywhere, but the nowhere
endures. My longing lingered still – worn but
unsevered. My shivering heart found little to envy
in your martyrs. From its Sanskrit root, the martyr is
one who remembers and from the Greek, one who
witnesses. Paul became those he persecuted after
witnessing. Yet, history holds its grudge against
Thomas for a moment’s doubt. Despite acknowledging
his Lord’s divinity afterwards. Despite remembering
Christ’s wounds and accepting his own – four Indian
spears draining his body of blood. Was I lacking desire
in that cold? All those nights I sought your face –
something to witness, to remember? Years have
passed, teaching me how longing makes its subjects
real. The cold is familiar now. So is your silence.
A boy gnawed to the bone by yearning
is nothing new to your omnipresent eye.
Note: This poem reimagines lines from Psalm 14:1 (ESV) “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds; there is none who does good.” and Paul Valéry’s quote: “God made everything out of nothing. But the nothingness shows through.”
Ọbáfẹ́mi Thanni is a poet whose works of poetry and fiction have received Pushcart Prize nominations. An alumnus of the Johannesburg Institute for Advanced Study’s Writers’ Workshop, he spends his time between the cities of Ibadan, Abuja and Lucille, making attempts at beauty.
